I have a collection of jokes that i have saved, mostly from e-mails, but other sources as well, including Colorado Comments, GCFL, Humor Highway and others.  I was thinking of starting a separate blog (blogdrive.com lets you have more than one 'blog per account) for jokey sorts of things.  Many of the files I have contain several jokes and stories, so if I do 1 per day, I should have enough to last a while.

I will try to list the source i got things from, but some jokes have been around since God ribbed Adam and made Eve and either have multiple or unknown sources.  If you actually know the real original author and/or have some way to show i have not credited you i will either credit you or take it down.  But anyway, these will just be some of my personal favorites and i plan to start with some of the older ones first.

http://herbshumor.blogdrive.com/

No, Mary G., the "Artie Joke" ain't da same in a e-mail.

Okay, this is where i am going to do it.  I’m feeling lazy and uninspired this evening so I am going to let the grammar and spell checker in Microsoft Word XP run the show.  For instance, where I use the pronoun "I" it tells me that I should not use the first person.  Hmmm, that’s going to be interesting...Oh, it doesn’t like contractions, either.  I think what I will do is type the whole thing up first, then go back and check the whole document and use the machine’s preferences everywhere.  But, what to write about?  Well, i could cop out and just type the first 175 words and then scan it and copy it below.  I think i will.  That way you can see the differences between my pitiful grasp of the English language and the superiority of the machine.  Oh, man!  Oh, man!  i just had to get a couple of those in there because i thought it was such a hoot last time i used it.  I know, it’s not particularly spontaneous, but, well, i guess i must feel a little lazy tonight.  I do my best work in the morning.  OOOHHH!  OOOOHHHH!!  Mr. Kotter!  OOOH!  How about this, also:

Eye Halve A Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Sauce Unknown

Okay, i know, I’m having too much fun.  Well, here we go, then.  Time to run it through the checker, and do you know what?  I STILL will have managed, by the time i end this sentence, to have broken 350!

The corrected text:

Okay, this is where Herb is going to do it.  Feeling lazy and uninspired this evening, this writer is going to let the grammar and spell checker in Microsoft Word XP run the show.  For instance, where the author uses the pronoun "I" it tells him that he should not use the first person.  Hmmm, that is going to be interesting...Oh, it does not like contractions, either.  This one think what I will do is type the whole thing up first, and then goes back and check the whole document and use the machine’s preferences everywhere.  However, about what should Herb write?  Well, Herb could cop out and just type the first 175 words and then scan it and copy it below.  He thinks he will.  That way you can see the differences between this writer's pitiful grasp of the English language and the superiority of the machine.  Oh, operate!  Oh, staff!  This writer just had to get a couple of those in there because he thought it was such a hoot last time he used it.  He knows, it is not particularly spontaneous, but well, he guess he must feel a little lazy tonight.  He does his best work in the morning.  OOOHHH! (It says this is a fragment and to revise but this author feels that an interjection is something he is unable to edit appropriately.)  OOOOHHHH! (It says this is a fragment and to revise but this author feels that an interjection is something he is unable to edit appropriately)  Mr. Katter!  How about this, also:

Eye Halve a Spelling Chaucer

Eye halve a spelling scheduler
It came with this writer's pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye is wrong oar write
It shows this author strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist aches, is house cleaner?
It nose bee fore two long
In addition, eye can put the error rite
It is rare lea ever wrong.

Eye has run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter-perfect awl the weigh
This author's torque tolled him sew.

Sauce Unknown

Okay, Herb knows, Herb is having too much fun.  Well, here we go, then.  Time to run it through the checker, and do you know what?  Herb STILL will have managed; by the time, Herb ends this sentence, to have broken 350!

Okay, so my friend and former co-worker, Alice, sends me an e-mail that says she has always heard it was supposed to be a minimum of a thousand words a day.  Well, I think that may be true, but the "Nifty Three-Fifty" was intended to just get you sort of jump-started and on your way.  I have been noticing that many of my entries are between seven hundred and a thousand anyway, so I will just sort of blather on as I have been doing and hope for the best.

In a book called "Don't Dig for Water Under the Outhouse and other Cowboy Commandments" by "Texas Bix Bender" which is part of a series of books of Western Wisdom and common sense which includes such classics as, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On," page 39 says, "Do not tolerate weak coffee." 

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! (Word counted that as one word) Okay.  I am pumped!  What an incredible thing!  Read it here!

I have been told in sundry times and in diverse manners, that what i need to do is set some goals for myself as far as my writing is concerned.

The idea that, no matter what, I will write three hundred and fifty words every day is a great start but a little tougher than you might at first expect.  I think the author of the original article meant that you should add to your current project or projects, but writing about something new each day, or, more accurately, scrawling a thought a day, should get the creative juices flowing.  I already write long e-mails to friends on esoteric subjects.  I like the idea also because it reminds me that I want to make this my work, not just a pastime.

This brings me to the goals.  What do I really want from writing?  I think I want two things.  I want to make money as a writer and I want my writing to have artistic merit as well.  Here is my tentative plan:

1) Complete a short story of 1000 to 3500 words and submit it somewhere, either to a contest or to a magazine before the end of, ummm, er, ah, well, how about before the end of 2005?  I will try not to take rejection personally.
2) Submit at least five poems somewhere other than Poetry Dot Com for publication.
3) Work on plotting a novel.

While this will not make me a superstar overnight, we can hope that it will help me to become more organized and more committed to writing.  I think it may also influence other areas of my life, such as my business, which I need to kick-start as well.

So, the "Long And Winding Road" may lead, not to someone’s door, but to the door of success and opportunity.  I must keep this small, three-hundred-fifty word commitment and meet these goals, and I will be on my way.

The last question I have is something I have noticed when trying this.  Why is it so hard to come up with three-hundred-fifty words?

Well, the adventure is pretty much over now, thanks to Margaret's cleaning prowess.  The whole article is here

I AM JAZZED, JAZZED, JAZZED!  Read Why Here

Wednesday Night Bible Study, Pastor Johnson had taught about being excited and full of joy when you are out among people and letting the world see that you have joy.

What a day!  The steenking dog episode happened around 4 A.M.ish on Thursday and was just the beginning.  Read about it here

Just a note of explanation now that i have sent out a mail to all my friends and family about this blog.  I have a wide variety of friends from a wider variety of ideologies.  What this means to you, gentle reader (don’t ya love Miss Manners?), is that some of you will wonder why there isn’t more church stuff, or more political stuff, or more writing stuff, or more funny/weird stuff and while you are wondering about that, the other people will be wondering exactly the opposite, e.g., why so much church or politics, or who cares about the difference between a trochee and an iambus and if he’s such a big-time, fancy-schmancy writer, why does he use ridiculously long, yea, verily even, run on, sentences?

One of the other cool thing about these guys (blogdrive.com) is that you can have more than one blog under the same account, so, for example, Carter could do one on nothing but the 2nd amendment and one on beer and one on the Cavalry or just do one that has stuff about all three from time to time.

Oh, and i MUST clarify one other thing.  I really am not a big-time writer.  I have had a couple of very minor pieces printed in a vanity press.  This is where this exercise is supposed to come in handy.  I get to practice on my friends and relatives and any total stranger that happens to stroll by.

Anyway, thanks again to all of you for being patient and if you have any questions or something you really want to know about, let me know.